It is not easy.
I’m laying down in bed with Ryan, as he fights his sleep for the millionth time and I don’t know how to cope anymore. It’s late and I’m tired but I needed to vent. You don’t have to read any futher but if you do, just know it’s about to get really real.
I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing at times. And that right there makes me feel like a terrible mom. I know I’m the best mom for my kids but it’s hard. Everyone says it’ll get easier when they’re older . But will it ?
I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder along with PPD(post partum depression) after having Ryan. It’s extremely hard for me to sit here and be vulnerable to ya’ll about this because I don’t know how to control it. Also because that means I’m showing you that I’m this flawed human being, when I try to constantly be this strong woman. I know I’m not alone therefore I’m here to talk about it.
In the picture posted above , I feel DEFEATED ! I’m tired of trying to find ways to soothe my sweet baby, but to no avail. It makes me cry, anxious, and panic because I run out of options to care for this tiny delicate human. I lash out at my husband and I really don’t mean to take it out on him. But he is the only person to take in all my wrath and anxiety from the day, and afterwards tells me that it’s going to be okay and still LOVE me unconditionally.
I’m sorry babe.
The truth is I’m beyond exhausted and don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. The only thing I can do is cry and cry some more with him; because I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s so hard to be present when you’re so exhausted from taking care of two kids. I honestly don’t know how other moms deal or do it. Yeah , go ahead and tell me it’ll get easier. I’ve heard that for the millionth time but thanks for your unsolicted advice. I need a break. I feel bad when my hubs asks “what can I do to make it easier for you ?”; but I don’t know the answer to that. It honestly makes me feel much worse if we’re being honest. And if you do know the answer to that question please tell me the answer !!!
Oh, self care is the answer you say……. tried that already.
I do facials, bubble baths, and all that other good stuff. Yeah I feel relaxed for a bit. BUT what good is self care if you still feel the same at the end of the day. JUST FRUSTRATED.
Some days I just want to give up and stay in bed.
That’s not a choice I have though.
So I get my big girl panties on and throw on my oversized T-shirt and get going.
I already feel some of y’all judging me.
Buuuuut this is why I decided to blog. To be REAL with y’all.
Literally the other day my hubs got home and I told him that I felt like I was dying on the inside because I didn’t know how to deal and ugly cried like Kim Kardashian.
You are not alone. Even though it feels like it.
What I do when I can’t deal ?
I put him down and let him cry because I’ve changed his diaper, fed him, held him, rocked him, and nothing works. Plus for my sanity I just need to walk away for a minute to breathe maybe even cry a little. Also I can’t neglect our beautiful daughter because she’s watching me. So I stop and sing puppy dog pals with her at the top of my lungs even though on the inside I feel differently.
If you don’t know who Puppy Dog Pals are, I suggest you search for Bingo & Roly. They’re super cute. Honestly, my thoughts are everywhere and going a million miles per hour. What do I do ? What’s the next best step ? Can I really do this ? Helllp !
Mental health & anxiety is such a taboo subject. Some people believe it’s a fad but unless you know from personal experience or live with someone who does don’t brush it off. Seriously.
Isn’t it crazy that you didn’t know this side of me ?!?
Who would’ve thunk ?
Not I and never in a million years did I think this would be me.
But here we are.
I leave this in Gods and and continue to take my meds because it kind of helps keep me sane and grounded. I have this huge lump in my throat because I feel your pain mama. I know first hand what you’re feeling. And I know what you’re going through. This is such an exhausting mental, emotional, and physical journey.
I know life looks flawless on Instagram. Beautiful family, loving husband, 2 freaking adorable kids…. you get the picture I’m painting.
But life is not always perfect.
I just take it one day at a time and try to push through it.
Here’s a bible verse that correlates:
When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.Psalm 94: 19
Reflecting on that verse just assures me that even though my anxiety and PPD sometimes consume me, that God is always bringing consolation and confort to my soul in some shape or form in his perfect timing.
Also I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel even though I can’t see it right now.
So here we are.
Fore those of you who need to hear or actually read this including myself: We can do this. You can do this. I can do this.
Fast foward to this morning. Just reflecting and wishing you a better day. Go make your coffee or tea and take the day head on. Also say a small prayer for yourself.
Anyways I love ya’ll and you can also reach out to me if you just need someone to talk. I’ll hear you out and give you unconditional love.
Also if you can try to find a therapist or go see your doctor. I’m already on meds but I think that talking to a professional will also help. I just need to see who my accepts my insurance.
You can do it. Take a step to help yourself out. Sending love and positive vibes you way.